All you frutescent-haired foppotees, put down your sinapistic sandwiches and unite!!
And no, I'm not cussing. Honest.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
And the Reigning Champion, The Great and Powerful Mom!
I have outdone myself.
Truly.
Once again, I have proven that I am The Great and Powerful Mom.
How, you say? By taking advantage of the Young Man's medicine head.
...which I suppose is not really a victory, but it was fun!
I told him on the way home tonight that I purchased a Groundhog pizza for him to cook while I was away at school--in celebration of the day and all.
"Groundhog? Really?"
"Yep."
"People eat that?"
"Yep. Lots of people do."
Fast forward to bedtime. I ask, "So, are you going to have Kody over for some Groundhog pizza tomorrow?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Why don't you go check the freezer?"
He checks the freezer and can't find it.
I tell him to look again. He still can't find it.
"I found the sausage ones, but not the groundhog."
I actually have to point it out to him. "You know, GROUND HOG?"
Oh, to be 14 and zonked out on cold medicine...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Reflections on a Winter's Day
1. Snow ice cream is really good no matter how cold it is.
2. Additionally, there is a sense that this suburbanite has conquered the elements—at least, when it comes to ice cream cravings. As long as the vanilla, sugar, and milk hold out, I can go out and conquer the wild snowdrift!
3. The Young Man’s cold takes on a new level of worry in 10 ½ inches of snow…perhaps it’s just the possibility of bronchitis in 10 ½ inches of snow.
4. Black dogs look like they’ve been heavily salted after a frolic in the snow.
5. When the Tall Bald Guy, who hails from Pennsylvania, says that “when the snow gets deep enough the dog will figure out how to lift a leg”…he’s right.
6. Leg warmers may be a fashion don’t, but they’re a toasty don’t. When your classmate says, “That’s so Eighties!” agree and say, “Totally! And my feet are warm, too.”
2. Additionally, there is a sense that this suburbanite has conquered the elements—at least, when it comes to ice cream cravings. As long as the vanilla, sugar, and milk hold out, I can go out and conquer the wild snowdrift!
3. The Young Man’s cold takes on a new level of worry in 10 ½ inches of snow…perhaps it’s just the possibility of bronchitis in 10 ½ inches of snow.
4. Black dogs look like they’ve been heavily salted after a frolic in the snow.
5. When the Tall Bald Guy, who hails from Pennsylvania, says that “when the snow gets deep enough the dog will figure out how to lift a leg”…he’s right.
6. Leg warmers may be a fashion don’t, but they’re a toasty don’t. When your classmate says, “That’s so Eighties!” agree and say, “Totally! And my feet are warm, too.”
Ode to an Indiana Snowman: Winter 2007
Born the morning after an Indiana snowstorm
We made you…all 2 ½ feet of you.
There was only that much snow…”but wait 5 minutes, it’ll change.”
We named you Lumpy because, well, you were. Sculptors, we’re not.
A few hours later your eyes fell out, and we named you Homer (not Simpson! says the Young Man).
Later that afternoon your nose fell off, and we named you Michael Jackson.
The next morning your arms fell off, and you again became Lumpy
Because, well…you were.
That afternoon you were jaundiced. The dog found you especially interesting.
Such is the life of an Indiana Snowman.
Unpredictable. Ever-changing. Ephemeral.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Uhh...yeah.
EASTON, Pa. (AP) — The father of 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell, denied a birthday cake with the child's full name on it by one New Jersey supermarket, is asking for a little tolerance.
Heath Campbell and his wife, Deborah, are upset not only with the decision made by the nearby ShopRite, but also with an outpouring of angry Internet postings in response to a local newspaper article about the cake.
Okay, where to start? Let's see...another redneck spouting off and using his children to forward his agenda-for the third year in a row, even...who wanted his son's MIDDLE name on the cake, too (who does that?)...who named his other kids Honszlynn Hinler and Aryan Nation (note the brown eyes on the kid)...who KEPT the name Heath instead of changing his own name, preferring to sentence his children to a lifetime of unemployment, harassment, embarrassment, and possibly endanger their lives.
I suppose even bad publicity is publicity...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
You Know You've Crafted Yourself Silly When...
You read "Coaster Maker" and think coffee tables, not theme parks.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, MAYBE I’ll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.
14. Depression --- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
15. Passive-Aggressive Personality --- On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
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